I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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