i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
