Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
