I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize