Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
