she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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