I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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