Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize