I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
