if you like me you must not know who I am
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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