Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
