I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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