so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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