I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
