Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize