i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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