good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
