id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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