please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he puts the penis in happiness.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
