Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i dont even know how to be here
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
