I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
