Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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