I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
