That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
