I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize