Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
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