I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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