He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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