I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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