On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I could make wine with my vomit
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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