Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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