can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
