if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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