just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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