Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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