When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
