My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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