so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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