New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
