Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
