my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
