ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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