I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
