My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I AM VODKA MAN
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
