dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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