peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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