I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
