Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
50% drunk capacity currently
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
