Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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