Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So many bounce houses so little time
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
