Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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