i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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