If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
