My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Terrible idea I love it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
