I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
