I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
