And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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