If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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