I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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