i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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