sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
