I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
