he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
