maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize