took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
